Got Love?

“That’s it! I’m done!”

I remember saying these words, (originally with more emphasis on superlatives.) I meant it, I was no longer going to pursue any sort of romantic relationships… ever. I wasn’t broken hearted or sad, I was just done with caring for it.

It was now the time for me to just live my life and have the best of times with my best of friends. I was fed up with this insane idea that I could not find happiness without a man to pave the way. And damn it, if I didn’t meet my husband of 16 years exactly two weeks after I made this ballsy announcement.

How dare he! He comes waltzing into my club with my friends, and my bartenders and crushes my perfectly precise pronouncement to the universe with his singular subtle glance. Darn! Darn! Darn!

Those eyes… like soft pastle wedding mints, that just melt in your mouth.

Did I just say ‘Wedding’? What am I doing? I’ll tell you what… I’m walking up to his buddy and now I’m saying something ridiculous; “Hey, who’s your friend?” Really? For the love of all that’s good what was I doing?… I didn’t know.

He saunters over all smug and confident because he knows what I’ve done, the nerve of some people, I mean really. So we danced all night and I married him three months later.

The odds were against us from the start. I was 34 and he was 22. (Jezabelle!) You can imagine how well that went over with his mother, as was only seven years my senior, I might add.  And also, we were pregnant. Yes, at the wedding. Oh! Damnation’s!

The fairytale is fractured form the get-go and, as it turns out, I am a crazy person whilst pregnant. Yea, didn’t know that could happen! What to expect when your expecting: There’s a good chance that your evil twin will arise and of losing your friggin mind!          That’s what you can expect.

Bottom line; I hated him… a lot. The worst part was that I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I just thought I was an aweful person in an aweful marriage. On our first year anniversary I became pregnant again with baby number two. I cried of the overwhelm and of the knowing that the Someone Wicked This Way Comes. Crazy person alert! I was a seathing mess of hormones and hostility. And just what do you think that husband of mine did? He stayed… Ken stayed.

I tried so very hard to push him away, after all, this wasn’t what Disney said it would be like. I’d already seen my mother marry three times over and all to tumble to the same disasterous ends. Love never lasts, it barely begins.

The years flew by and somehow we kept it together. Each year I renewed my resolve to leave him with a promise I made to myself, “Just one more year, and if things don’t change…” However, this resolve seemed to magically slip my mind with every passing year.

We both adored our daughters and couldn’t bare to see them end up in the middle of our disfunctional difficulties. And then one day something happened, something miraculous, something that triggered a new clarity in my mind.

I had been a frequent flyer to the E.R. and sometimes I was even upgraded to hopsital beds. This kept my husband and I always on the alert to a run for the car keys. On one such run I stopped and I noticed, for the first time, that the constant companion in my most distressing of moments is always… Ken.

It hit me, it hit me poignantly. Here is this man that is always by my side, regardless of the distance I placed between us, he naturally bridged himself to me with his unconditional love, every time without exasperation or complaint.

I wondered, “Who is this man that is ever constant, ever true, and always by my side?” He is my husband, he is my dearest friend.

The true beauty of a love that is authentic became sweeter than the shallow imaginings of Princes who save. I realized I was holding on to the dreaming of love and resisting the reality of it. This resistance, combined with taking my Prince for granted was the source of my pain.

When I allowed this deeper love into my mind and witnessed its effects on our marriage, we began to live happily ever after.

And as for the saving?… Well, that turned out to be my job all along.

 

 

 

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